Ever wondering what are the motivators behind your child’s defiant behaviours? Parenting is a very challenging task and no one comes into the world knowing how to be a great parent because it is not a set of innate skills. Parenting like many other things is learning a set of skills to get the job done. And at times, it takes more than reading a book or talking to other parents. Parents of defiant children have to learn and practice more specialized skills to guide their children.
What is the cause of Deviant Behaviours?
The cause of deviant behaviours in children can be an array of things. Some researchers believe that defiant behaviour patterns may be caused by problems in the brain chemistry or might be inherited through genes. Other’s believe that it might be caused by the manner in which the family reacts to the child’s behaviour or the manner in which the child is disciplined. The initial development of deviant behaviours can be many and the reality is that when children are tired, hungry, upset and so on, they tend to defy requests.
As children grow and mature, they learn socially appropriate ways of interacting and getting what they want. Defiant children on the other hand, often use and adopt inappropriate methods to getting what they want. with tension, they demand and continue to be difficult and oppositional. Some of the underlying influences of defiance behaviours might be; learning difficulties, difficulty relating to others, rejection, a traumatic experience, sibling conflicts, and the perception that defiance is what will get them what they want. The root of the problem might be many but the certain thing is that defiant behaviours are very harmful to children.
Some parents tend to believe that defiant behaviours occur only at a stage that a child goes through and will surely just grow out of it. This is not often the case. Passively waiting for your child to outgrow his or her defiant behaviours is unlikely and the problem might worsen with age. Inappropriate behaviour is inappropriate at any age. It is every parents’ job to teach and exemplify appropriate behaviours for their children. Instilling solid values, role modeling, patiently teaching, leading by example and when necessary providing appropriate consequences to inappropriate behaviours is the way to go. This will teach the child all the appropriate building blocks necessary for adulthood.
Understanding the Why in Behaviour is the Key
Your child is not trying to provoke you. Children most often defy and act this way because they do not know how to handle their own thoughts and feelings. This is the core of why your child is being defiant. It is crucial that you as the adult are mindful of that as you work with your child. Conventional discipline methods and strategies do not work with defiant children. Defiant children may refuse to go on a time-out from an early age and claim that they do not care about losing privileges for misbehaviour. Furthermore, some defiant children actually believe they are at the same level as the parent. Hence, they do not have to listen or comply.
All children display defiant behaviours. It is important for you as a parent to know if your child has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). If yes, parents should seek professional help early on. There are numerous online resources and questionnaires for parents to use to pinpoint questions like, ‘how defiant is my child?’. If you do go through these questionnaires, do not stress over not being able to answer all the questions, just do your best. Right now, your goal is to start thinking about the child’s challenges and how to appropriately react to them. Getting yourself worked up, feeling emotionally drained and desperate, and giving up on the consequences you have set is not the state any parents should be in. Our team provides coaching services and programs to more intensive services for parents and caregivers.
Having a mindset of “winning the war’ with your child will not help with a defiant child. Instead, adopting a healthy, balanced mindset will help. Invest your time reading and researching as you are doing now is a great start. And our team is always here if you need any additional support.